Unconfident teenagers

mas

HE
Hi. Just wanted some advice really.
Only been a week since i took both out of the system, but I am worried about their confidence.
They both took a knock due to bullying and feeling isolated at school. They have lost friends as they didn't want to interact with them or continue with hobbies ( mainly my son and football, d with riding ). Its now got to a stage where interaction with friends is over facebook and msn only. They dont want to do anything!
Am I being over concerned? I suggested joing our local (ish) HE group but that was met with an angry response!

Maybe I'm expecting too much too soon?
 

Admin

Administrator
After only a week, you will all be finding your feet in a very unfamiliar situation. Young people who have been withdrawn from school, especially those who have suffered bullying, often need a bit of time to acclimatise and recover, so your children's reaction is not unusual.

My own children found that most of their schooled friends were envious of the freedom they enjoyed through home ed, but there were always a few who trotted out the learned, school instilled negatives like "you'll never get a job", "you'll never be able to go to university" and "you won't have any friends". Mostly from those who bunked off regularly!

Let's face it, it's hard being a teenager at the best of times and it can be daunting to find yourself ploughing such a different furrow from most of your peers. Given a bit of time and renewed confidence, they will probably rejoin their old activities and/or try some new ones. Meanwhile they are at least keeping up with friends via the social media and you can be fairly sure that "doing nothing" will soon lose its appeal as natural curiosity fuels their interest in learning and socialising with others.
 

Elaine Kirk

Super Moderator
It is going to be really hard for you because you naturally want to 'fix' the children ASAP but remind yourself that you are doing just that by giving them the freedom and support they need to become the people they want to be rather than carry on as youngsters who try to mould themselves into what they believe will make them acceptable to their peers and the establishment.
 
I hope you do not mind a suggestion . . .

You might consider this strategy.

First remember that happiness in a learning environment is the vital prerequisite. (Lack of happiness at school is why school failed).

So declare next week as a freedom holiday (to celebrate liberation from school). Arrange three trips, visits or fun things to do on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Have real fun and do not think about learning. Help them to be happy.

Then begin the motivational process of supplying the recognition that was missing at school. Ask them to list all of the subjects they studied and apply self-assessment scores out of ten. Then you all decide which subjects to drop and which to add (if that is appropriate with your educational philosophy).

Now you can provide recognition: “I did not realize that you were so good at ‘X” etc.

Don’t look for fast results and tell them that you are not. Explain that H.E. is not a substitute for school. For most H.E. people it is the desirable preference.

They will adjust and out-perform the school (most H.E. people do and because there is now nothing stopping them from succeeding in their own way) and explain that you have every confidence in them and their abilities.

Be the relaxed, happy facilitator which they never had at school; it will work
 
Last edited:

mas

HE
Thanks for the replies....they are very helpful indeed!!

I am going to let them chill this week...hoping they will get bored!

Grumpy hubby is not helping as his comments are making life a bit miserable at the moment. Hopefully that will change.

My Dad manages a Organic dairy herd and my Son helps out on weekends and holidays.
I will be making enquiries with the local Agri college about him taking an NVQ in Livestock Production. I know the course is one day at college with a work placement, but I need to get up to speed with the Law regarding how many hours he is allowed to work at 15 and if they will be willing to accept him for the course with no GCSE's and being under 16.

My Daughter really does need to go back to basics regarding English/Maths. I tried to help her after school, but she used to get angry and then all hell would break loose...resulting in huge arguments. She was fine until she started Secondary School. Wish I had never sent her. Feels like I have really let her down.

Enough ranting!

Thanks again for all you advice.
 

Sandra

ScotHE
We stopped going to school last May, after initial elation at the relief of not having to go my 12 year old has made slow recovery. She is now (finally) getting bored of only my company. Hurrah!!
 

Sheila Struthers

Well-known member
As everyone else has said - it will take time - lots of - maybe months - years even :sad:

And the more you try to earnestly chivvy things along the more stressed everyone gets.

Relax, go out, have fun and talk (as ONLY happens when you are relaxed and having fun and not forcing anything).

Stop thinking school. You are now giving your children the opportunity to get on with living their lives without school :D

Sounds as if you are doing a pretty good job already :cheer2:

And yes I'm speaking from experience :crutch:
 

kathreeds

New member
Advice

Hi. Just wanted some advice really.
Only been a week since i took both out of the system, but I am worried about their confidence.
They both took a knock due to bullying and feeling isolated at school. They have lost friends as they didn't want to interact with them or continue with hobbies ( mainly my son and football, d with riding ). Its now got to a stage where interaction with friends is over facebook and msn only. They dont want to do anything!
Am I being over concerned? I suggested joing our local (ish) HE group but that was met with an angry response!

Maybe I'm expecting too much too soon?
It will take your children some time to get used to this new routine . . . try bringing them back to their hobbies by talking to them time to time. As far as the confidence is concerned, once they start reviving their hobbies (or get into sports) they will be doing fine.

Regards,
Kath
 
When I took my son out of school 6 years ago he was a shell of his former self having been bullied and finding no support from the school. He didn't want to go out or do anything related to school.

My first priority with my children has always been their happiness and so I went along with whatever he wanted to do. I was concerned many times over his future but never let him know. With lots of support and encouragement he eventually found a love of playing guitar pulled him out of his depression (it helped his dad is a music teacher) and over time, about 3 years, he returned to his former self. We never did do any formal education, but at 17 he started to educate himself in things he was interested in.

He's now 19, very confident and out going. He teaches music and plays in bands.

There is light at the end of the tunnel but sometimes it is a long slow process. Patience in bucket loads is required but believe me its worth it in the end.

Enjoy your liberation week.:thumb:
 
Deschooling - time to recover from school, can be a long process.
I've heard the one month per year at school ball park figure used.
 
When I took my son out of school 6 years ago he was a shell of his former self having been bullied and finding no support from the school. He didn't want to go out or do anything related to school.

My first priority with my children has always been their happiness and so I went along with whatever he wanted to do. I was concerned many times over his future but never let him know. With lots of support and encouragement he eventually found a love of playing guitar pulled him out of his depression (it helped his dad is a music teacher) and over time, about 3 years, he returned to his former self. We never did do any formal education, but at 17 he started to educate himself in things he was interested in.

He's now 19, very confident and out going. He teaches music and plays in bands.

There is light at the end of the tunnel but sometimes it is a long slow process. Patience in bucket loads is required but believe me its worth it in the end.

Enjoy your liberation week.:thumb:
I love reading posts like this; I feel very strongly that being happy is the most important thing in life - it's all very well having dozens of qualifications but if you feel that you are worthless and you don't have friends or interests then life can be a very hard and lonely place. My son has BLOSSOMED since he's been out of the system, it's three and a half years and he is so confident and happy now. We have crawled along at a snail's pace and I have worried (and still do) that we aren't doing 'enough' but just this morning he managed a small grocery shop with limited input from me, another life skill that I feel he's grasping, plus he's now getting himself ready in the mornings with very little input from me. He's getting there with his numbers and letters and he loves reading; he can't do it himself yet but the desire is there and he loves being read to so I feel that we are half way there :) Add that to him actually enjoying playing with other children now and his endless requests for days out and it's hard to believe we used to spend so much time indoors because he found 'normal' life so stressful and unpleasant.
 
Top